17 Things I Hate

7

March 18, 2013 by Julia

Not to be confused with the highly underrated 1999 movie “10 Things I Hate About You,” which is loosely based on Shakespeare’s The Taming of the Shrew and stars the promising young actors Heath Ledger, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, and Julia Stiles (before she lost her credibility factor, and then sort of got it back during her guest run on Dexter.)

This is NOT something I hate. I love this movie.
Photo credit: http://i.telegraph.co.uk/multimedia/archive/01244/ten-things_1244780i.jpg

Ahem…I just love classics that are updated to a modern high school setting. Clueless, anyone? Best ever. It’s inspired by Jane Austen’s Emma, of course. And then there’s that fun one based on Dangerous Liaisons – Cruel Intentions, starring Sarah Michelle Gellar and Reece Witherspoon.

Here I go again, talking about things I love. Blah blah, happy happy, joy, joy.

This has been a grumpy day. I had to grocery shop this morning. I forgot my re-usable tote bags, and the ingredient list for the recipe I wanted to try. In the cart, Jack grabbed a handful of Cinnamon Toast Crunch and held it over his head, laughing, as if he was going to throw it all over the aisle. I had to take that Cinnamon Toast Crunch and put it in my jacket pocket, for lack of a better place. Also in my pocket – a booger-y, chocolate-y baby wipe, among various coupons and lists and discarded half-eaten foods. I am growing new life forms in my jacket pocket. If you never want to shake my hand again, I understand.

AND it is FREEZING cold outside today, and something about the days lasting longer but the weather not getting any warmer is depressing me. Plus, I’ve heard that people get depressed in the spring. I know that sounds counter-intuitive, but I’ve noticed the pattern in myself, for whatever reason. I’ve been apathetic and tired, on and off. I want to veg out on the couch forever…which is an inclination I haven’t felt in a long-ish time.

So what better time to wallow in the hatefulness? Pollyanna will rear her pretty head next week sometime. Not that I’m saying I’m pretty. Pollyanna is, and sometimes she takes up residence in my soul. Grrr! I hate:

1. The “banter” of contemporary adult radio DJs. Any DJs, really, who are not on public radio.

2. When people (especially strangers) tell me to smile, or “cheer up.” Um, NO.

3. When you’re driving and the car in front of you decides to slowly roll up to a red light, rather than just drive normally, and then stop. Usually, I have to throw Goldfish into the back seat, or change the song to fit Fiona’s mood, and I need to STOP, dammit, not waste an entire stoplight rollin’ along. What is the point of this rolling practice? It gives off a relaxed vibe, but you can’t relax, because you’re still going! Is it a stick shift thing? Never mind; I don’t care.

4. The sound of eating. I’m talking about adults who seem to be completely unaware of the noises they’re making. You’re thinking, “Really? Really?? They have no idea? How is this possible? I could hear them two blocks away!” With kids it’s cute. With adults, I will eat something just to help the block the noise of their eating. Hm, not such a good practice, given my sensitive ears.

5. Watching people squirm in an awkward social situation as the unwitting brunt of a joke. That’s mean and I don’t enjoy it one bit. (You heard me, Borat.) Somehow, The Colbert Report and The Daily Show manage to find just the right victims, though – either they are true morons whose hypocrisy should be revealed, or they are clever enough to fight back in a funny way.

6. When people on reality TV serenade or read poems aloud to whomever they are wooing, while gazing into their eyes. It’s just too disgusting. You know the person they are doing it to must feel awkward, too. Or maybe that’s me projecting. Still, I have yet to hear a reality TV original poem that didn’t sound like it was written by a second-grader. And ninety-nine percent of the time, music shouldn’t be performed from one person to another while gazing into one another’s eyes. The one percent of the time that it’s okay? A parent rocking a child to sleep situation, preferably far from cameras.

7. I hate my hair. Unless it’s been blow-dried straight. Which leads me to my next hate: taking the time to blow dry my hair in the morning. Which I don’t often do, which leads to me hating my hair. It’s a vicious cycle.

8. I hate when people vote for the American Idol contestant based on back story or “personality” rather than talent. I’m sorry you lived in your car and are missing all of the toes on your left foot and your Dad has been working in a mine for 30 years. If you were my friend, I’d want to help. But I don’t want to watch you sing on national TV if you are bad, or like cheesy songs.

By the way, unless you’re a generic, cutesy white guy, you’re not going to win, anyway, because you won’t have the tween girl votes. The last five winners:

David Cook, Season 7 winner
Okay, he did rearrange Eleanor Rigby pretty awesomely; I’ll give him that.

Kris Allen, Season 8 winner

Lee DeWyze, Season 9 winner

Scotty McCreery, Season 10 winner

Phillip Phillips, Season 11 winner

See? They aren’t bad guys, but they are hardly ever the best of their seasons, either. Oh, girls. You don’t really love them. You don’t know what love is, yet. Stop voting for these crooners and go do your homework! There is so much I hate about American Idol. This is a love-to-hate-it situation, clearly, because I still can’t stop watching.

9. The sounds of sniffling. I’d much prefer to hear you blow your nose than sniffle for three hours. No half blowing/half wiping, either. Just do it, for real. I deal with two kids who don’t know how to effectively blow their noses. So my tolerance level for capable adults who continue to sniffle has gone down, somewhat.

10. My most hated personality traits: hypocrisy, superficiality, insincerity, vanity, thoughtlessness/cruelty, lack of empathy. Am I ironically displaying any of these traits, as I write this post? Yes. Yes, I am. Crap.

11. Inconvenience. For example, driving out of my way to pick up milk when I was just at the 7-11 two minutes ago, and now I have to do a U-turn, and the light is taking forever, and why don’t I just stab myself in the jugular?

12. Long fingernails. On myself or others. Especially creepy on men, unless they are actually in drag. Sorry.

13. Tacky, cluttered décor. I’m talking figurine collections, here. Depressing. Get me out! I can’t breathe.

14. Plastic surgery (unless it’s for reconstructive purposes).

15. Creepy cartoons. That character “Him” from The Powerpuff Girls makes me genuinely uncomfortable. See also: Ren and Stimpy, artsy European animated films such as The Triplets of Belleville, etc.

Watch “Him” at your own risk:

16. Boring pop music that is meant for a generation younger than mine.

17. Olives, chunks of cooked tomatoes, mushrooms, clams, fatty, gristly chunks of unidentified meat. Now you know what kind of stew to make me for April Fool’s.

Like a plate of rotting eyeballs *shudder*