I’ve always been called sweet, quiet, nice. Once I read about myself in a high school friend’s diary, “No one really dislikes Julia.” Talk about damned by faint praise. I used to worry so much as a teenager about my own inability to “compete” socially, to even carry on a decent conversation, that I was crippled by anxiety and depression by 17. I got through that, and learned that the only way to really feel comfortable and open yourself up to others is to accept yourself, quietness and all. When I stopped forcing myself to talk, I was finally able to talk.
I have a morbid, often juvenile sense of humor and can be bluntly honest about myself, in a down-to-earth way. I also have a confessional spirit, and am not very good at keeping secrets. Still working on that one…cultivating a mysterious aura was never my forte. I like to analyze social situations from every angle, trying to find the truth, or at least insight into someone’s character (often, my own.) I used to be daydreamy – now I’m just scattered, trying not to lose my children at the mall. I am not naturally judgmental about anything, except people who are judgmental or mean. Still working on that one, too.
I care a LOT about other people’s comfort level, and worry about excluding anyone or hurting someone’s feelings – hence the “sweet” vibe that people get from me, I think. I give other people the benefit of the doubt, sometimes to the point of naivete, but I would rather err on the side of faith in humanity than to believe everyone has totally selfish or evil intentions. I try to see things from other people’s perspectives, which sometimes makes me forget what I really want, or believe. I still struggle with depression and insecurity at times, but with each year that passes, I get a little more at ease in the world, and my own skin.
I enjoy many of the things that hipsters are into (quirk, ironic humor, indie music, scarves, food from faraway places) but am not cool enough to pull off the whole look, and besides, aren’t people kind of over the whole hipster persona now, anyway? I retain a lot of information about what interests me – people, media, pop culture and the arts – and know embarrassingly little on other subjects like science, politics, world affairs, sports, home repairs, gardening, cars, cooking, math, law. The list goes on. It’s a good thing I have children to take care of, or I’d never feel like an adult.
I have to listen to music constantly. Silence bothers me. I keep trying to have personal style, but am never willing to completely sacrifice comfort, or wear anything that feels too trendy. My space matters a lot to me – it’s partly why I studied and practiced interior design. If my home feels off, I can’t relax. Other people’s messes don’t bother me, just my own. If I am going to hang out with a dear friend, I think the best setting for conversation is outdoors with either coffee or wine in hand. I like earthy, rustic stuff. Folk art and Americana are awesome. I wish I lived in a cabin. Fall is my favorite season. I would’ve loved to have been a hippie.
I can’t stand sappiness. When a man serenades a woman on a reality TV show like The Bachelorette, I have to cover my eyes; it’s just too excruciating. Of course I watch that show religiously, and many others like it. In fact, it’s really fun to get drunk and make fun of Lifetime movies.
On that note, I should probably be done talking about myself. This was awkward. It’s hard to describe oneself in writing, knowing actual people might read it. Okay. Goodbye.