January 25, 2013 by Julia
I’m happy. Almost every day lately, I have a moment of realizing how good I have it.
There is a sense that we can be yelling one minute and then laughing the next, and that it’s all going to be okay even if there are three more meltdowns coming right up. This is what a family looks like. It’s messy and gorgeous and loud.
There are times we are piled on the couch after Jack’s nap, having Goldfish and watching a little TV while he wakes up. His body is completely relaxed on mine, his head on my shoulder. My hand is in Fiona’s hair. I am doing nothing, accomplishing nothing, but I am just hanging out with my kids and I’m not stressed, and they know that, and it is good. It’s good for them to see that I can sit down and do nothing but chill with them sometimes.
When they get out of the bath and they’re SO warm and yummy and snuggly and they smell so good, and Dennis and I are both wrangling them into lotion and jammies, I feel like our family is wild and wriggly and complete, and deeply beautiful. Our family is deepening.
When I can put together a Harry Potter Lego house while simultaneously playing out a dramatic story with Fiona and all the Lego characters, involving good and evil and all the gray in between (she loves those gray areas as much as I do, figuring out where the line between right and wrong lies exactly), I am happy that I got this imaginative, empathic, storytelling girl to play with, and I am surprised at how much I also love putting together Lego sets. I mean, it’s really fun. She’s getting older, and more like my buddy every day.
Anyway, I just thought I should put my happiness out there. Of course – I am still stressed, and tired, and I wish there were about 5 more hours to my evenings, so I could do all the stuff I want to do, FOR ONCE (ahem, by the kids’ bedtime it starts to feel like I’ve never been able to do grownup stuff, ever, which is obviously not true) – of course. But I am having a good time here, despite the ups and downs. I get to write, and listen to music, and raise our kids, and read books, and do silly things and sing and spill my guts to my friends and love my handsome husband.
Fellow bloggers, you know how you can try to come up with a post and it just isn’t working? I’ve done that twice already today. Finally I decided to just write to the truest thing for me, right now. And that truth is everyday happiness. The mess, the challenges, the longing for time to myself, the beauty of my children, the partnership with my husband, the trying to juggle it all…I realize better now that the hard parts give the good parts more value. Without the work and the longing and my own particular challenges, it would just be one long dull vacation – not a life. It’s an ever-shifting kaleidoscope of a life, and light shines through the stained glass, and I am happy.