Right Now

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December 31, 2012 by Julia

Right now I am upstairs. I can hear Jack screaming downstairs. Dennis is watching the kids. He’s back from visiting his brother, and now it’s my turn to take a break. I am in bed with the laptop. I just want to finish something. Say, a blog post. It’s kind of hard to focus with the screaming, though.

It stopped. Jack has had an ear infection, and there has been a lot more screaming than usual these past few days. I’m a little worried, because he’s been on amoxicillin for almost two days and doesn’t seem to be feeling better yet.

I wrote while he was napping, earlier, and Fiona was having her quiet time (re: snacking and watching a movie). I was trying to write about resolutions for the new year, but wasn’t really getting anywhere.

Okay, it’s an hour and a half later, now. I had to go downstairs. The screaming was getting concerning. I’m downstairs now. It’s 5:57. We gave up on the idea of a family dinner, and so I’ve been trying to trick our upset Jack into eating, in hopes that he’ll feel better with a full belly. He was trying to vacuum under my chair a minute ago, got frustrated, and I had to pull him up into my lap. Then he tried to start typing here. Then Dennis came over and took him over to watch some YouTube kitties on TV. Jack is calling them babies. At least the screaming is done for a moment.

Right now I’m feeling a little…discouraged about how fat I look in all the Christmas videos. I won’t diet, though! Don’t worry! I stand by my non-dieting stance. No one likes how they look in videos, except maybe for extra-hot people, I imagine. Moving on. I am also thinking that we as a family are about ready to get back to a schedule. We’ve been on vacation for the past two weeks – that means Dennis is home from work and Fiona is home from preschool. It’s been good in the sense that things are obviously easier when Dennis is around during the day, and we’re more relaxed when we don’t need to rush Fiona off to school. But we are getting a little depressed from all the time at home with just each other. (No offense to them.)

We have gone out and seen other friends and family, but I’m realizing more as I get older how important it is to be required to do things. As relieved as I was to quit my job before giving birth to Fiona, it was a shock to realize that I missed the regular socialization of work. I’m an introvert, but it doesn’t matter. Everyone needs to get out. Everyone needs to work and accomplish stuff. Everyone needs to be around their peers. When you have a built-in structure to your life, like work or school, it makes it easier to get those needs met. Part of the reason it’s hard to be a full-time stay-at-home mom. I feel like I’m constantly texting and emailing other parents in an effort to get out of the house. All that scheduling is hard. But so necessary!

Right now I’m also thinking about our New Year’s Eve plans. Dennis and I are eating hamburgers after the kids go to bed and watching Looper. I will try to stay awake until midnight. That all seems very far from now, although it’s only an hour and forty minutes until Fiona will be tucked into bed. I’m not hungry. Hamburgers sound kind of gross. I just want a glass of wine and a back rub.

Dennis is sitting on the couch, looking at his I-pod and letting Jack eat water out of his glass with a spoon, which is making him happy. He’s happy! I say, “All Jack needs to be happy is a spoon and potential for a mess.” They’re watching Fiona’s baby videos now and I can hear my baby talk voice in the background. I’m thinking about how fat I sound. But I refuse to resolve to lose weight!

Ugh, should I even post this?

Now the kids are smiling at each other and hugging and I am going “Awwww.”

I feel better. And not just because it’s now only one hour and twenty-seven minutes until bedtime.

It’s been a good year. I’m excited to start the next one. Maybe not feeling that way exactly in this moment…

Okay, I had to stop and cry and tell Dennis about how I’ve been writing and it’s all crap (he asks why, and I can’t explain why), and we need a schedule for sanity, and I am swallowed up by a feeling of failure. (I didn’t say that last part. It’s only a momentary feeling, I’m sure.) I grabbed Jack and sat on the couch with him until I stopped crying. Dennis took him off to put him to bed, and here I am, back. While picking up crumbs between then and now, I thought to myself, I might be working myself up into discouragement with all this hyper-aware blogging. Maybe I should write something happy.

I think I’m tired. Tomorrow is new day. Not just a new day, but a new year!

Right now Fiona is running around yelling, “I’m staying up til midnight!! I’m sitting right here until midnight!” Oh, Lord.

I just worked on something else for her birthday for a while. I’m coming back to this, now. She is upstairs getting tucked into bed. It’s 7:53. We are having nachos instead of hamburgers for our grownup dinner. Not quite so gross-sounding to me.

I am going to post this so that at least I can say I got a blog post out. Right now!

It’s 8:01. I’m going to post it…urg, it’s 8:02. I don’t know if I can post this one. It’s crap. Am I right, or am I right? Dennis is about to come downstairs so we can start our evening. Okay. Post!



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