Jack’s Rules of Ruckus


November 26, 2012 by Julia

This is probably your cutest stage of life. Use that to your advantage.

If you sense that your parents are prohibiting something, it’s extra special. Do not allow yourself to be distracted from that object. It holds secrets you can only imagine.

Don’t give up. If you can’t open something, try using hands, your teeth, your feet, whatever. Then smash it until something gives.

Toys hold no danger. No danger means no excitement. Not a bad way to pass the time while mom’s looking, but if you really want to live, try climbing into the dishwasher or diving into the cords behind the big-screen TV. Extra points for nakedness.

Contrary to popular belief, babies do not have it easy. We have lots of jobs to do. Baby jobs. Fight for your right to develop your motor and fine skills at any cost, my baby friends. If you fail to learn how to pick up a moldy piece of cereal from under the rug with your forefinger and thumb while bending over backwards, you only have yourself to blame.

A big sister can be your worst enemy or your greatest ally, depending on her mood. It’s best to test the waters before getting in too deep.

You can twist your way out of any grip if you just believe in yourself.

Locate your exits every time you enter a new place, and in case of non-emergency, run, do not walk to that exit. Every other minute should do it.

Stairs are your best friend.

For contrast, do the opposite of what your parent is doing. If they just put the toys away in the bin, open it up immediately and take them out again. This is a good way to keep your household in balance.

Insist on feeding yourself. When your parents blithely look away to rinse off some dishes, believing you are actually going to keep the food in the bowl and use a spoon, start throwing. Or dumping. It’s way more fun than eating. Don’t worry. Your parents won’t let you starve. More food is on the way, always.

Life is an experiment and your environment is your lab. Sharp tools and messy liquids are most desirable to work with. But take whatever you can get.

If you don’t fight a diaper change with every inch of your being, then you obviously don’t care about the things that really matter. We have no time to waste on such frivolities, babies. Same goes for getting dressed.

Boundaries are challenges. Meet them head on, with the scream of the Nazgul.

Be tough. You’ll be allowed to do more cool stuff if your parents aren’t as fearful of pain-related meltdowns. Suck it up and move on if you bump your head.

When in doubt, taste it. Unless it’s something they want you to eat. (That’s key.)

Streaking is awesome. If you find yourself naked at any point, run with deep joy.

And always remember, giggling while mischief-making will buy you more time, while decreasing the chance of someone actually getting mad at you for what you did.

Now let’s have some fun. Go get ’em, baby friends!


4 thoughts on “Jack’s Rules of Ruckus

  1. Samantha says:

    This gets me super excited for having a kid! I know there are difficult times but all of this makes it worth it!

  2. Vike Thurston says:

    Ah … that takes me back a few years. Actually, quite a few years, Actually, I don’t remember any of this – but it feels right!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s


Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 534 other followers



--- A Return to Art Criticism ---

Radical Discipleship

A Joint Project of Bartimaeus Cooperative Ministries and Word & World

Read Diverse Books

Let's Read The World


A daily selection of the best content published on WordPress, collected for you by humans who love to read.

Angela Barnett

Writer. Wig Wearer. Shame Buster.

Things We Like

a project by jessica gross

LaMonte M. Fowler

an indie author writing to stay sane

Kelsey L. Munger

writer & writing coach


Social Justice | Pop Culture | Black Girl Magic

One Awkward Year

wow, this is awkward . . .

The Belle Jar

"Let me live, love and say it well in good sentences." - Sylvia Plath

Joy, Lovely Joy

Writing through mothering

Fucking Awesome Bulimics I Know

Kicking that pimp called Shame in the shins.

An Honest Mom

From the hip on mindfulness, parenting, feminism and homesteading.


small shares from Pronoia Coaching

James Gillingham - Long Arm Films

Thinking thoughts and making films

Jennifer Keishin Armstrong

Writing for the Pop Culture Literate.

Laura Parrott Perry

We've all got a story to tell.

Ginger's Grocery

Come on in and browse. The biscuits were made fresh this morning, the Slush Puppie machine was just refilled with a new bottle of red syrup, and we have the biggest selection of bait this close to town.


some of us are brave

Music for Deckchairs

"In shadowy, silent distance grew the iceberg too": universities, technology, work and life

my name is elizabeth

stories about race, culture, and identity

Priss & Vinegar

Lawyer by trade. Writer at heart. Housewife by accident.

Angela Tucker

Blogger / Speaker / Educator

Candice Czubernat

A leading voice in the LGBTQ and Christian dialogue

Song of the Lark

Music, melodies, mutterings

Adventures of a Teacher Nerdfighter

Building a fifth grade classroom community around enthusiasm, creativity, and awesome.

Michelle Murnin Paulson

Evidential Spiritual Medium & Blogger

Olivia A. Cole

Author. Blogger. Bigmouth.

%d bloggers like this: