Jack’s Rules of Ruckus

4

November 26, 2012 by Julia

This is probably your cutest stage of life. Use that to your advantage.

If you sense that your parents are prohibiting something, it’s extra special. Do not allow yourself to be distracted from that object. It holds secrets you can only imagine.

Don’t give up. If you can’t open something, try using hands, your teeth, your feet, whatever. Then smash it until something gives.

Toys hold no danger. No danger means no excitement. Not a bad way to pass the time while mom’s looking, but if you really want to live, try climbing into the dishwasher or diving into the cords behind the big-screen TV. Extra points for nakedness.

Contrary to popular belief, babies do not have it easy. We have lots of jobs to do. Baby jobs. Fight for your right to develop your motor and fine skills at any cost, my baby friends. If you fail to learn how to pick up a moldy piece of cereal from under the rug with your forefinger and thumb while bending over backwards, you only have yourself to blame.

A big sister can be your worst enemy or your greatest ally, depending on her mood. It’s best to test the waters before getting in too deep.

You can twist your way out of any grip if you just believe in yourself.

Locate your exits every time you enter a new place, and in case of non-emergency, run, do not walk to that exit. Every other minute should do it.

Stairs are your best friend.

For contrast, do the opposite of what your parent is doing. If they just put the toys away in the bin, open it up immediately and take them out again. This is a good way to keep your household in balance.

Insist on feeding yourself. When your parents blithely look away to rinse off some dishes, believing you are actually going to keep the food in the bowl and use a spoon, start throwing. Or dumping. It’s way more fun than eating. Don’t worry. Your parents won’t let you starve. More food is on the way, always.

Life is an experiment and your environment is your lab. Sharp tools and messy liquids are most desirable to work with. But take whatever you can get.

If you don’t fight a diaper change with every inch of your being, then you obviously don’t care about the things that really matter. We have no time to waste on such frivolities, babies. Same goes for getting dressed.

Boundaries are challenges. Meet them head on, with the scream of the Nazgul.

Be tough. You’ll be allowed to do more cool stuff if your parents aren’t as fearful of pain-related meltdowns. Suck it up and move on if you bump your head.

When in doubt, taste it. Unless it’s something they want you to eat. (That’s key.)

Streaking is awesome. If you find yourself naked at any point, run with deep joy.

And always remember, giggling while mischief-making will buy you more time, while decreasing the chance of someone actually getting mad at you for what you did.

Now let’s have some fun. Go get ’em, baby friends!

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4 thoughts on “Jack’s Rules of Ruckus

  1. Samantha says:

    This gets me super excited for having a kid! I know there are difficult times but all of this makes it worth it!

  2. Vike Thurston says:

    Ah … that takes me back a few years. Actually, quite a few years, Actually, I don’t remember any of this – but it feels right!

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